The will of God is not what I wanted

A friend texted me this encouragement: “I found it encouraging to see how you would commit all matters (money, housing etc) into God’s hands. I think God is in all decisions we make! Big and small, spiritual or so-called “secular”.

Truth be told, I was shoving the decision process/responsibilities/consequences to God. I have a problem with making decisions, in Chinese it’s 选择障碍. Part of this problem is my lack of courage to accept the dire consequences. Yes, all things work out for good of those who love God, but in my earthly eyes of the present moment, there are bad choices aka consequences.

I think the root of this problem stems from me not having enough practice when I was younger — of learning to make bad choices and accept the consequences. Consequences for the young are usually of a smaller impact anyway — so it’s the best time to learn that consequences are not always catastrophic, we can still bounce back. That’s why I agree that we shouldn’t do helicopter parenting and clear the obstacles and bad outcomes for our children. Then again, I am unlearning and re-learning in this aspect of letting go and having my children learn.

On the brighter side, this problem makes me rely on God a lot more. I seek God’s will in the decisions I make, especially the major ones because He knows best. Instead of having my parents plan for me, now I have the almighty Abba God who plans for me.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Jeremiah 29:11 (NKJV)

“How do I know if it’s the will of God?” A question asked by many believers. Many preachers had preached on how to discern the will of God. A few points such as

• check the word of God, God’s will wouldn’t contradict the Bible,
• check your heart, the peace of God,
• check with God in prayers, the signs, the open doors, the confirmation from people, etc.

2nd half of 2022, and I am again at the crossroads to hone my spiritual antenna to discern the will of God. This time, there’s another layer of challenge. There’s the sign, the peace of God (together with hubby), but in hindsight, the decision seems like a bad one.

I wanted to “correct” the decision but ironically there’s no peace (as with my hubby). Felt more like human strife was involved to correct. Like some people would say, even if we misheard God’s will and made mistakes or wrong turns, that’s part of life and God’s restoration may well be coming. We learn, pick ourselves, move on into hope and not get stuck in a mental or emotional rut.

But of course, there’s still my wrestle with God, why, oh why? I know the situation could have been much worse. God had buffered us from the get-go, but still, why didn’t he give us a much bigger buffer and put us in a better position? He knew, but… probably this is the case when the peace of God (when making the decision) surpasses all understanding (at the later stage).

“and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4:7 (NKJV)

If you seek God’s will,

are you willing to accept and obey it, even if you cannot comprehend it?

It might not seem to be the best for me but God knows what’s best, best for everyone. He has many children and sees the bigger picture that’s good for everyone. God probably has the other party in mind too — so it’s a win-win instead of a lopsided win-lose situation. So I got to “suck my thumb” and accept God’s will even though it’s not my perfect will to match my desires.

If you seek God’s will,

are you willing to accept and obey it, even if the outcome is not what you want?

Then we went into another situation where I had no peace.

“Shall we set better terms – if not the other party is likely not to agree?” hubby asked me.

I was not super keen on moving forward with this and hence replied, “Just set what we had intended, if the other party agrees, then we will take it as an open door.”

To think, they not only match one but a few other conditions. I cried. I had no peace, yet I felt the hands of God had led us to it. And hubby had the peace. So is it really God telling me no peace, no go, or is my fleshy desires distorting my inner peace?

I knew it was the latter. The final outcome fell short from my high expectations. I had expected to receive Tiong Bahru bakery’s croissant but instead got a Gardenia bread to eat. God provided, just not the way I expected.

It felt like we were caught at the wrong time too. We were mere weeks late, and the price of Gardenia bread has inflated to the previous price of the croissant. If only we had been there earlier. Trust God’s timing, I reminded myself.

I want the will of God, even though the will of God is not what I wanted (or rather, what God willed is not what I want). I simply got to trust that Abba Father loves me and knows what’s best for me. Knowing that not everything is in my control, the best I can do is to let go and let God.

Again, if you seek God’s will,

are you willing to accept and obey it, even if what God willed is not what you want?

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