His Wisdom, His Plan

Was asking God about a decision over baby EX’s kindergarten. It’s a good school, but expensive. Not sure if it’s necessary expense at such age. Good because it’s church based and encourages learning through play. Usually such schools of learning in Singapore come with hefty price tags.

I don’t want her to go through academic rigour before primary school, although I don’t know if I would regret this decision because of peer pressure. But as of now, it’s my philosophy. And when we signed up, we took up the last slot of the morning session – like a sign from God. Lol. Anyway Baby EX just got used to her current childcare and so we are going to delay the kindergarten for a year. Just thinking about the year after. Deposits in question, that’s why the headache now.

I got this verse.

How much better to get wisdom than gold!
And to get understanding is to be chosen rather than silver.

Proverbs 16:16


箴言 16:16

And then praying again, I got this:

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.

But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

James 1:5-8

I feel like this, tossed by the wind, a double-minded person, unstable in all ways. I’m indecisive and time and again, this has cost me money and time. Spending too much time wavering in the process when I could have just decide and move on to other things. I learned I can’t be a good business person because of this. I’m afraid to take risk because of fear of failure. A perfectionist in this way. I’m learning to let go of this pride and to take step of faith and embrace what come may.

Failure doesn’t mean end of the world. A wrong move doesn’t mean end of the tunnel. Like I could still continue with the kindergarten and if the financial burden proves too much to bear, we can just withdraw and change plan in future. But I want my future/life to run so perfectly without plan B, I get stuck at the first step.

Now I think about it, God has been trying to change my mindset of ‘my way or the highway’. Like in the beginning of 2019, my plan was to put baby EX in a 2 hour playgroup for the whole year and then kindergarten in 2020. But because of some issues, we decided to withdraw her after just 3 months and decide again after she turned two in June, when she can express herself better.

With her away for half a day, I get to enjoy a bit of my pre-parenthood life. So much so, we decided to extend the childcare arrangement for another year. Although I didn’t plan this, God did, and God’s plan is higher. Because now I have more time to write (my self care) – on my website and this writing project God placed in my heart. I feel happier, which is good because since I became a mother, I went into a spiral of depression (I think), I have the tendency to be depressed but hubby said he never seen me in such depressive mode before. I’ve been struggling much for the 2 years, always envying other parents having their free time as they chose to outsource. But for me, early years are too precious to be outsourced – the bonding, the development, etc.

Anyway, even though I’m happier, I’ll be attacked by thoughts of uselessness. I’m indulging in writing (like a hobby) and not generating income. But since God has sustained me somehow for a decade without income, I believe having His wisdom to thrive in this world means gold is not absolutely necessary (proverbs 16:16).

Although who doesn’t want to be rich, and be in the positioned to bless others out of our blessings. Moreover, when I see my friends buying properties and land as investment, flying in business class, driving in luxury cars, building successful businesses, climbing the ladder, there’s always the nudging doubt if I have chosen the right path a decade ago. Social circle pressure is real. Money is not everything, but the conveniences money brings is undeniable.

I read about my personality type – which is always in tension. For example, wanting to use the money to “save the world”, but at the same time wanting to indulge in comfort and finer things in life. Either way, I will still continue to pray for abundance in prosperity in health and wealth. With money, I wouldn’t have second thoughts to enroll her in that kindergarten. Heh.

But above all, I need wisdom to use prosperity for His glory. 🙂 Seriously, because I don’t want to be the rich man who forsake heavenly riches to enjoy the temporal wealth on earth.

Better is a little with the fear of the Lord,
Than great treasure with trouble.
Better is a dinner of [g]herbs where love is,
Than a fatted calf with hatred.

Proverbs 15:16-17