Faith, Flow, and Elijah

Faith.

This juncture of faith and doubt felt similar to what I’ve experienced a decade ago.

Quit without a job? What are you going to do? Years came by and left without a solid answer, or at least an answer satisfactory in the eyes of men. I see His goodness, but not the works my parents would boast of. I felt like I was floating through life. Ah, that flow.

In recent weeks, I somehow floated into another point where I got to trust Him with no clear plan ahead. Yes, there’s an open door. Yes, there’s an assurance to trust God. Yet, there’s also the wavering. Did I hear God right the last time? Did I hear Him right this time? The stakes are much higher now. I can’t afford to float with two children, and so double-minded I become.

Flow.

This word jumped out at me and triggered the recall of a hidden memory. Back then, God gave me the same word — flow. Flow with life? Flow with the Holy Spirit? Words from a brother in Christ came to remembrance:

“I prayed with so and so and felt this verse for you: Cast your bread upon the waters, for you will find it after many days. — Ecclesiastes 11:1”

It’s been many days since I cast my bread (of salary), and I’m unsure if I have found the bread (of finances). But yes, I do have manna of crumbs to sustain my journey.

Elijah, Elijah, Elijah!

Over a span of a few days, I kept hearing Elijah being preached on.

His life of faith (when calling down fire) and unfaith (when running away from the mad woman) were both spoken of.

The widow and Elijah.

Elijah and Eli too.

My faith was tested in recent months. Not sure why, but recently I tend to dwell extremely on doubts and swing into worst case scenario mode so easily. For example, I had acute pain after a spin class, and when someone told me about rhabdomyolysis, I was sure I had it. I was paranoid for that few days. Had another paranoia attack weeks after. Or when my girl has fever with neck pain, I thought of a million bad outcomes and cried at the possibility of losing her.

I became a wreck of a worrier.

I used to be proud of my faith, the wise virgin in the parable of the ten virgin (Matt 25). Alas, it was as if the bridegroom came at midnight and I find myself having no oil of faith. My faith in God had quietly slipped away from me.

God’s grace stepped in. He opened my eyes to see my empty lamp. A call to renew my mind and fix my eyes on Jesus.

To fill my thoughts with the things above. To believe He is a good father. To trust in His goodness, provision, health and love.

Happy Father’s Day, Abba Father.

Finally, brothers,

whatever is true,

whatever is honorable,

whatever is just,

whatever is pure,

whatever is lovely,

whatever is commendable,

if there is any excellence,

if there is anything worthy of praise,

think about these things.

What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

Philippians 4:8‭-‬9

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