Complex Me

Read the accomplishments of a few mothers around my age and can’t help but feel lousy about self. How do these mothers manage work (various portfolios even) and family?

What am I doing? I am already struggling with one child as a SAHM. Do I have the capability to step back into workforce? Do I even have any value for the society?

I see the put it all together resumes and envy. But I know they made sacrifices that I’m not willing to take up. Like the lack of sleep and having someone else take care of the children most of the time.

Anyway, I was watching this China variety show, 我和我的经纪人 (episode 9), and I gleaned wisdom from the show again. The advice doled out by the veterans of the industry throughout the show can be piercing, but easier for me to swallow when said to a third person. For example, I am self conscious and think too much. I need to let go.

Here’s some other advice I paraphrased for my situation:

• Anyone can be a writer, but it’s the love of writing and the perserverance to keep writing that sets the writer apart from the rest.
• Don’t try to write what you think people want. Bring out what you’ve got and write out your own voice.
• Actors can keep getting rejected after trying for years, not because they’re not good at acting, but they haven’t met the right role suited for them. So don’t be discouraged. Keep trying. Similarly, the unique writer’s voice might not be suited for the readers’ taste at his time, but there may come a time tide might change. Keep writing.

Been praying for a mentor and community for a long time. But I don’t know which direction to search. Complex me has complex desires, making the crossroads before me complex. Need the light of God to shine before me. A tiny step at a time.