Rage and Sleep

Is it an accumulation of physical and emotional exhaustion? I’m feeling this rage in me more frequently these two months. It’s an uncontrollable self destructive explosive kind of rage. Like my heart is going to explode outwards. Need to shout, need to punch.

I give myself a pat for not unleashing this out on EX these days, but “self destruct” that fiery ball within me. That few times I did go crazy on her, I felt guilty and prayed she wouldn’t be traumatised.

Just these two days when I self destruct…

She cried and asked me not to hit myself (when I was hammering my thighs).

She held my hands when I was frustrated until on the verge of tears.

Nothing trigger me more than baby needing much rocking, and patting, almost asleep, but awoken by herself or by some noise — usually by EX these days.

Also, there are those short naps. Argh.

I don’t know why I’m like this. Is it because of some childhood incident? Before I have kids, I also made sure I have 7-8 hours of sleep, no matter how late I sleep. I just need to clock those hours.

So imagine when my babies are light sleepers, and love short naps.

Waking up every 2 hours at night when you hear other babies sleeping through the night. I just cannot help but envy much.

Just two nights before, I got angry in the middle of the night. The baby woke up after another 1+ hour. Again. At 4+am, she kept fussing and refusing to sleep until my sleepyhead became wide awake and angry.

Sigh. I pray much about their sleep. Pray much for grace to get rid of the angry spirit in me.

My trigger for anger? Tiredness. But no way, I can be less tired without compromising on what I believe is best for my baby. Such as giving 100% breastmilk. Sigh.

It’s so hard to be a mother.