Brevity of Life in the Timeline of Eternity
On a painful journey to open up old wounds and forgive.
On a low self esteem journey of seeing how all the things I do seem unfruitful and thus almost meaningless as a result.
On a sleepless journey of not having enough sleep through the night. I need a solid straight 6-7 hours of sleep to function well, and I haven’t had that for months, since end of 2020. Broken sleep of 3-4 hours per night nowadays.
On a mentally exhausting journey to handle a threenager who is fighting boundaries, and exerting her rights.
On a physically exhausting journey to handle a toddler who is starting to demand her wants and wanting me to carry, two children clinging to me, and a house demanding me to do endless chores.
I became angry, angry at my kids, my husband, myself, God, and everything. I didn’t want to be this type of a wife, and especially not this type of a mother. I know the negative repercussions on my children and yet I was uncontrollable. The hulk manifests.
Everyday, I was hanging on a thread of His strength to go through each day. I felt like I was plowing through mud pools to live through each day.
On Friday, I was so angry that I snapped at my kids, locked myself in the room and cried out to God. Or I screamed to God. I beat my chest before my kids, before God. It was so painful. The journey is so hard.
I was looking forward to the glorious calling God called me into, yet after years of “failure”, I find myself holed up in the mundanes of life, not knowing if I can survive the next day. I had no peace, no hope, no joy. It’s easy to find these in good times, but when the brunt came, I realise, I was not trusting God as much as I thought.
An apparent sensation happened a few days ago. Hubby told me his symptoms that I thought might be Covid, I panicked. Then as I submit this worry to God, and trust my hubby’s health in God’s hands, I literally feel the tension of worry in my body leave. I was more at peace, and less in worry. It was a false alarm. Or rather I was making a molehill out of nothing in the first place.
I got easily angry at strangers too, little things can trigger me. My counsellor said it’s because my emotional bucket is empty. The first thought that came to mind was, I have not let God’s love fill my bucket. I have allowed the demands of life to drain this bucket, and expect people around me to fill it. Life has cracked my bucket, and it now has a big hole. Only the outpouring of God’s love can continually fill it to the brim. This magnitude of His love, or His healing grace to mend the bucket.
Moment of Breathelessness
It’s not a nice moment.
This night, I was lying down with my older girl, and suddenly I was feeling breatheless. It reminded me of how my TB journey started. I always have this worry that the fluid in the pleural of my lungs will start to increase again and the doctors have to punch a hole through my body to drain it again and I would again be in critical condition. It was truly traumatising, I don’t want to live through that again. This nagging feeling made me more breatheless. Then I thought of how I would be separated from my girls if I am admitted, and with this kind of situation now, they would not be able to visit me. I thought of how the Covid patients or other patients who died at this period. Their closed ones cannot be near them and I really feel for them.
As I laid with my girl, I kept praying aloud. Then I thought of how God is recently speaking about prayers through different pastors’ sermons. God must have been reminding me to up my prayer time! In time of spiritual warfare, the best ammunition is pray!
Wallowing in my own muddy misery, I lost sight of the glowing eternity. I need to stop worrying and not be a Martha over so many things. To be more Mary and thus stress less, and rest more. For both physical and spiritual health.
This breathelessness made me think about how I might just pass away the very next moment. Coincidentally, I was having morbid thoughts recently. Hopefully it’s not bad omen. I want to live to see my girls grow up.
Anyway, I was wondering about death. I wonder how is it like for non-Christians to face death. Even I who believe in eternity has some shivering qualms. I placed my bet on Jesus. However, what if it’s not true? I can imagine how the disciples might have felt when Jesus died on the cross. Their hope suddenly lost. But of course, with the resurrection of Jesus, they were willing to die for Him. Because after seeing Him again, they know this Jesus and His promises are 100% true.
So, I can only based it on circumstancial evidence surrounding the bible, my own journey of faith, and my relationship with God to believe that Jesus is true and hence my “second” life in the new heaven after my death is true.
I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.Philippians 4:12
This verse usually means material things for me. But today, it’s about being contented with life itself. It might be out of context, but I need to learn to live well, and die well. If God gives me life, live well, give thanks for the good and bad. Be thankful for my husband, children and those around me and savour the moments I have with them. If God decides to take my life away, it’s at the right timing, and to give thanks for whatever my short life has accomplished on earth, or the legacy I leave after I am gone. Living to 120 years old is also short in the timeline of centuries and eternity.
Please Pray for Me
I have been wanting to write about my many musings, but I have been so lethargic to write them out. God needs to allow me to get breathless to write and heal. I started out this post feeling breathless, and ended the post with better breathing. Writing is healing for me. God knows me best.
Still, I covet your prayers for my family and my health and wealth. We have been dripping away money here and there, like unwarranted card charges, wrong purchases, etc. I believe it’s better to prosper in both so we have the oversupply to bless others. More can be done in good health and wealth.
Please pray for us! I am serious. Just a short prayer will also do. 😉
Ultimately, a prayer for our spiritual hunger for God and grace and wisdom to do His will. Speaking of which, recently God revealed something I have been asking since 2008! 13 years later.
During my anglican confirmation, bishop prayed this over me, “Christina, the Lord wants you to know that He has plans for you, plans to give you a future and a hope. He is calling you to trust Him. So may you this day say, not my will, but Yours. He is going to use you greatly and meet your heart’s desire. So fear not and be blessed.”
I always thought it’s a cliche verse, but as I look back, this prayer is important for me. I needed this to believe in through my years or series of failures. That in failures, He has given me a future and a hope to continue trying and living. To continue to trust in Him despite the shame and ridicule in my failures.
And for 13 years, I have been wondering what is my heart’s desire that He is going to fulfill. Is it this book? Is it this business? Then like a veil lifted, the answer was actually there in plain sight for all these years — my heart’s desire is His desire. And it took these many years to surrender His will as my will, His desire as my desire. Even then I struggle, but at least I have eyes to see now.
Praying I will always go back to my first love, the hungry love I have for God.