Mother of two

Week 30. I saw the digit 3 and it suddenly dawned upon me that the time is soon. I continued reading the devotional book for pregnancy, with a nagging thought at the back of my mind, “I’m like this is getting real.”

I agonised over the future sleeping arrangement of two children. I had shoved this agony into a compartment to worry about it later. And the later is soon.

We’re still struggling with baby EX’s sleep. She still needs us to be with her before she can fall asleep and wakes up in the night sometimes. I’m thankful hubby will be the one to go in and soothe her with his presence for the night wakings.

And now with another one coming..

I shudder.

I was traumatised by baby EX light sleeping habit. Even until now, more than 2 years later, I cringed and tensed up when there are loud sounds during her sleep. I cursed at whoever who crank up that noise.

So I can’t imagine having to go through the whole carrying the newborn, waking up at night first year. Praying my second baby will be a snooze baby that sleeps easily and a deep sleeper.

And I really don’t know how I can handle two children as a SAHM and have me time for my own writing and exercise. I am having a little freedom now with baby EX in half day childcare.

I have so much I want to do in my mind. I ask God, “Is this season really a season of motherhood?” Will I live out the desire /calling of my life?

I struggle between wanting to be home for my kids for the first few years and to satisfy my desire to write.

Staying at home makes me feel useless at times, and that my education has been devalued or wasted as a homemaker. I dread cooking much.

The other day at the playground, while I was watching over baby EX explore and roam the playground, I overheard a group of girls discussing their studies options. I was one of the girls, with dreams and aspirations.

If only I can earn much with my writings, then probably the decision to be a working mum will be easier. Then again, I don’t think it’s good to put her in full time childcare for her development.

The other day I asked her, “Do you want mummy to work or to take care of EX?”

She said without hesitation, “Take care of EX.”